I heard a whisper last night, so I followed it. It took me to a very familiar place, but the faces there, were from a more recent time and it didn´t make sense for them to be there. I went to my favorite water fountain and drank some cold water, and that´s when the truth start unveiling in front of my eyes...is that the whisper again? I see her, she´s there but she isn´t...everybody passes her by and they don´t seem to see her since she disapeared last time. I see her because she wants to be seen by me, but why me? How could I help her? Rumor had it, that last time everybody saw her, she was fading away , but I always saw her very clear. She took me through her last steps...I heard her sing ,as loud as her lungs alowed her too, and someone didn´t like it so they took her away, she screamed and sang at the same time as if she was enjoying to piss this people off. One person became three, three became eight, eight became fifteen, and they all surronded her while she made sure her voice was heard...this rebelious act made them very angry and they beat her up until there wasn´t anything left...not even a hair. I ran to them to make them stop, but my movements were in slow motion and they couldn´t hear me or see me because I wasn´t really there. I cried, and when I showed emotion one of them saw me, I recognized him and he recognized me... he looked at me with his sharp evil eyes and told me I was too late. I knew I wasn´t late, it´s never too late to tell the truth.
The warm shadow of the Sun consumes me, and gives me goosebumps.
I never thought something warm could make me feel cold.
I bet this is what lovers feel, when they have to be away from each other...they feel the warmth of love but the coldness of the distance. The only thing that eases the pain is knowing that the same Sun that shines for me, shines for you too. I send you messages via the Light and I know they are all delivered everytime I think about your smile.
I love looking at you through a memory curtain that separates us, and when I touch it , it dissipates and there we are, together again, dancing to the music of our bodies. Can you hear it? It´s the sweetest melody, the most amazing sound coming from such a real place. A place that is only real for those who have loved with no fear, those who love day by day, those who love unconditionaly.
Even the shadow of the night doesn´t scare me when we´re apart, because in a very deep way you are the shadow of the night that takes me safely to my dreams and there I can meet you, and once again we´ll dance the night away...
It was a cold quiet night, to quiet if you asked her. So silent she could hear her heartbeat... which could only mean one thing: it was time to go.
She didn´t pack a bag, didn´t even bother to get dressed. Her mind was naked and so was she.
She went outside and felt invisible: no one looked at her and no one could see her, so she started heading towards the cliff.
She walked for miles and miles, her feet were bleeding from all the sharp rocks she stepped on but that didn´t stop her. Slowly , her feet became numb and felt like two heavy stones...still, she kept pacing to the cliff.
When she finally got there, her whole body had turned into a moving stone. She sat on the edge of it and thought about jumping: how would she jump, and if it would make sense to jump if she didn´t feel anything. She thought so much about every possibility that she didn´t even realize that 8 hours had gone by.
That was until something woke her up from her trance:
"Could it be?" -she was hearing that music...that music that came from a special soul,and it was getting closer and closer.
She kept staring straight ahead to the cliff, knowing that this was the kind of music she could trust.
Quickly ,the stone started cracking and her body started turning soft and warm, to a point where she was able to crack a smile. When she felt the music breathing behind her ,she closed her eyes and heard him whisper:
"I see you...I´m not going anywhere."
When she opened her eyes, there it was: the Sunrise.
Isn´t it fascinating how some people get us and yet they don´t even know us? All of a sudden you find yourself out of your confort zone, and don´t even know what you are suposed to say ..if anything. You want to be in control but your feelings take over your common sense and you can´t stop.
You wake up feeling blessed that you´ve been given another day on Earth to be happy and the possibilities of it are endless. Some people just know what to say, and what buttons to push to make you smile. It surprises you that a stranger would "get you" , it shocks you that someone can make you smile in that special way that usually takes years to pop out. But you don´t care and just let yourself go...at least a little further, now you´re curious and you just have to know what´s going on. Where is your self control? Can´t you control your impulses? It slightly bothers you that someone comes in without an invitation, but you don´t want them to leave because you enjoy talking and sharing. They make this special LIGHT shine through you. You picture yourself in an empty dark room ,someone creeps up from behind and you´re not scared, they hold you and you feel their breath on your neck, usually you´re afraid of the dark but not now...you turn around and feel the warmth of another soul...the next thing you know you´re dancing in the dark and loving it...Do you want to go back to what you had, or do you want to stay here and listen to this new tune?
If you´re curious,go a little further...
Dim lights, you feel observed and you want to look and find out who it is but you decide to play the game a little longer pretending not to know he´s looking at you, almost devouring you with his eyes. You quickly look at him while he´s distracted for 2 seconds, "Do I know him?"-you ask yourself."It´s too dark in here,oh God he saw me looking..." Nervous with getting caught you decide to go outside for a cigarrete ,he gets up and walks right behind you. You get anxious and speed up your step and once you get outside he´s nowhere in sight,"What the heck? where did he go?" you smoke your cigarrete almost in slow motion in hopes he´ll show up.You´re intrigued with this character. He never comes out of the place so you adjust your dress ,throw out the cigarrete and walk in. For your surprise he´s waiting for you at the entrance,and once again all eyes on You. You stop right in front of him, he looks at you with a very serious face. You get a head to toe goosebump and in a shy voice you ask "Do I know you?" "-Do you?" he answers with another question. He didn´t smile much, he didn´t talk much, he the didn´t seem to feel much ...that was until you looked in his eyes. Green eyes with great depth, underneath the surface was where all the great things were kept safe and only if you had the right code you would be granted access to it. So far no one has been able to get there, and you felt like his question was an invitation. So you answered "Yes." He held your hand and you both walked out of there. That was the last time I saw you, I asked your friends about you and all of them give me the same answer : she´s getting closer to the truth.
Crazy people, crazy heads, different mentalities. He sat on the 6th floor window of that apartment on the Financial District,just smoking weed and looking out. He loved the smell of weed in the air it gave him a strange sense of confort.
An artist neighbor playing his guitar, a very sad but harmonious tune...it made him want to cry a little, tears of solitude in such an Amazing City.
Black smoke coming from the chiminea in the building in front, the darkest smoke he´s ever seen...probably someone burning outdated love letters that didn´t make sense anymore, that together with a broken heart will cause the darkest and thickest smoke you´ll lay your eyes on. The people walking by downstairs ,totally oblivious to the fact that he´s sitting there and has intentions to jump. God! Did it make him feel small that no one cared enough to stop him...so he dropped a beer bottle that he drank earlier that day, and it broke in to tiny pieces in the ground below.
The Deli guy downstairs cursed the day he was born, he looked down and gave him the finger. Well, at least now he knew the Deli guy would give a shit because his store front would be destroyed, and there would be blood splattered all over his fruit.
Three black pigeons sat besides him, one looking half dead and the other two not even concerned. "Of course not"- he thought ,"They´re pigeons after all". But that´s exactly how he felt, like the half dead pigeon. So ,in a leap of courage he jumped. The last thing he heard was the Deli guy calling him a motherfucker.
Nothing, isn´t it fun to start a story with the word nothing? But that´s exactly what was up ,nothing. Days and days gone by , soul searching , learning about new religions, listening to new music, playing the piano, singing happy songs , painting , drawing and writing. Everything to keep her mind busy and off the dreadful conclusion.
People that came into her life were as boring as hell or heaven it depends on who´s analyzing it, too busy matching their shoes with their clothes , too worried if their looks would be aproved by society, too ignorant to notice their own feelings and too selfish to share themselves with the World in the real sense of sharing. She became one of the latter ones, she became a selfish human being that didn´t want to share herself with the World "Too busy with myself / too busy looking within / too busy taking a walk on my brain" -always too busy.
Indeed she was busy. In a different way nowadays, before she used to be busy with others, busy making their lifes better, with giving them the time of the day, with giving them the nutrients and vitamins to their soul a.k.a self esteem. She spent so much time living that way, that she forgot she existed as a human being, she saw herself as a Soul not a body...the body was only a vehicle to get to places . Disapointment brought up this new side of her Soul, she went from an extreme to the other and loved every second of it." Me,me,me, me!"
But in the end of the day right before falling asleep ,everyday the same conclusion : "Another day without loving." Will she find the much needed balance?
You always knocked on my door after midnight and I always opened the door with a smile, remember? I lived on that busy street in midtown number 11. I was always anxious for others people days to be over because it meant mine was about to start.And it started as soon as you set foot in my building ,listening to your steps on the stairs and the silly way you knocked on my door. I felt special because you chose to be with me and I thought it was going to last...long story short: then you broke my fucking heart because you chose to be with someone else.
So don´t come knocking on my door anymore ,because nowadays after midnight it´s already another day.
Your skin reminded me of silk, even though I only touched it once just by looking at it I could tell it was as soft as a cloud. Its color was so pure and milky I could almost taste it. Your blue eyes pierced through my being and as a bullet they got stuck in my heart. Your nude lips were shaped to perfection which made me want to bite them everytime I thought of you.And back then that was all I could do:to think of you. Right now, I´m aware that you crossed my path so many times and I didn´t see you, we were at the same place at the same time with the same people but I was blind.It´s like you never existed until I saw you...and that day, I saw you. You were seated right in front of me, and boy you looked really scared! I thought that was hilarious, given the environment we were in. I tried to get your attention just by staring at you, but you were smart and you knew exactly what I was doing so you didn´t even look in my direction, you should´ve known that I love a challenge! So I got up and left you there by yourself as scared as you were in that tiny hallway. I spoke to so many people afterwards that I almost forgot about you...ALMOST. I came back and sat on the exact same spot and this time you looked at me in an exasperanting silence, that silence spoke louder than any person could ever speak. You were dying for me to talk to you, and who was I to take that pleasure away from you? "Hi"- I said to you, and you smiled no teeth showing. "How´s it going?" I asked. "Fine" you answered in a very thick accent."Oh,you´re not from here!" I instantly said, "How can you tell?"-you joked. We instantly conected with each other, mainly because our eyes and smiles were synched. Out of the blue you asked me if you could take me somewhere special, at the time I thought that was the worse pick up line ever, and I said no. "You don´t even have to leave your seat", I was totally confused and that´s when you got up and sat right next to me. For some reason I wasn´t scared, au contraire I felt very eased up and I thought it was from the champagne."Hold my hand!"-the words came out of my mouth before I could stop them, obediently you took my hand and I remember how cold your hand was, almost too cold. We became one at that moment, you felt me and I felt you...and what I felt from you was a fear of being hurt, a fear of not being able to fly away, a fear of not being able to be free. I grabbed your face and promised to teach you how to do it, "How can you teach me to be free?" you asked me with a low voice...I got up and left the room never looking back, I knew you were an Angel and I wasn´t going to fall for it and so I didn´t. Now that I know you´re happy and flying up in the sky I can answer your question: I´ll teach you to be free by letting you go.
where do you go when you feel alone in the World? what do you do when you don´t have anyone to protect you? how do you feel when you realize it? do you stay in the gutter? or you gonna try to make it better once again? How many times can you make yourself feel better? where did you leave your dreams? as a matter of fact what are your dreams? do you still remember it? do you still dream? why do you think so much? why don´t you just do it? why don´t you back to school? why don´t you have parents to support you while you do it? why can´t you see your talent? why don´t you let it shine? why didn´t you have your parents unconditional love? why can´t you just tell everybody to fuck off? why do you allow them to come this close to you? where are you now? what are you doing there? what have you become? what were you? when are you leaving? where are you living? do you call this a life? why do you criticize them when you are doing exactly the same? where´s your sense of humor? where´s your sense of self? what do you know about me? do you want to know more? do you know how much is 365x 12? do you know how much time you´ve wasted? do you want more out of life? how much more? do you think you´ll make it? how far? how long? do you feel trapped by life? are you still breathing? are you still talking? are you still thinking? are you still being? shut up.
She always enjoyed contemplating the Moon, so amazingly Royal up in the Sky...but that was also a problem it was up in the sky not at arms reach. She tried many times to go from little star to little star, she took rides from shooting stars to get there faster but couldn´t seem to get there,it was still to far. Every night she would gaze up at it,and define new routes and ways to get there, one after the other all the plans failed. She became extremely unhappy, specially on the nights of New Moon ,when her most adored thing in the World wouldn´t even show up to say hi. One night , with her telescope in hand admiring the Full Moon with tears in her eyes and sadness in her heart it started pouring and she just stood there,rain mixed with tears, rage mixed with love, poetry mixed with energy. She walked inside and decided it was ok to admire the Moon from afar and never touch it.Finnaly she still loved it but was very happy with the Earthly things that she could touch.
-You know that feeling of really wanting something? -Of course! Who doesn't? -Well, how about when you get it? How do you react? -I get extremely happy obviously! -Hmmm....is it that obvious? -Wait a minute, you're confusing me...If you really wanted something and then you got it you should be happy. -What if it's not something material? -Then you should be even happier. -I'm not. -What is this about? -It's about us,there I said it... -So you don't want to be with me? -I thought I did, I mean I think I do, but I´m a mess now. -You´ve always been a mess ,so what else is new? -It´s different this time, I´m totally infatuated with you but this emotional turmoil is taking over me ,I need help. -I can help you! -No you can´t ,it has to come from within. -But, what about me? - I need to focus on myself , as much as I want to be with you I need to find out who did I become and what kind of person would I have to be in order to be happy. -You´re perfect to me, just the way you are. -I´m a perfect imperfection just the way I am. -I never asked you to change. -I need to change for me, not for you or the World. -Are you sure that I can´t help? -I´m positive. -Now what? -Now I´m going this way. -Will we meet again? -If our wants and needs are in synch then, I´m sure we will.
No one knows when the phenomenon starts....one day you wake up and its inside you like a really bad disease or like a really good drug, at that point you can´t tell the diference...but you will, when they come asking for what´s theirs, YOU are theirs, YOU sold yourself, your body ,your soul,your BEING.
They make you believe that you are IT, there´s no one else in the word like you, you are unique, you are perfect...soon enough you´ll realize the speech changes to: "you are perfect BUT we need to fix your chin, you´re perfect BUT you need to lose 20 pounds, no one in the world looks like you BUT we need to make you look like that person, so lets dye your hair blonde,you´re unique BUT try to act more like the others do . Trust us, that will make you rivers of money."
What they "accidentally" forgot to tell you is that even if you do all these things there´s always someone ready to stab you not in the back but in the face to make you disapear just as fast as you appeared. They also "forgot" to tell you that it´s all make believe.They forgot to mention the times you will spend alone , the times you won´t work, the times you won´t be able to help yourself let alone your family.
They mentioned that you would be famous and live a glamourous life...what´s so glamorous about being in magazines and in the spotlight and feeling terrible on the inside? Remeber Edie from "Grey Gardens"? Remember the song she sang? "You oughta be in pictures..."-what good did that do for her or for that matter YOU?
Well you are in pictures, people know your name,they know what you do...but they don´t know who you truly are. The real you, that talks to herself the real you that looks in the mirror and can only see the exterior image ,because she´s been through so much mutation...they asked for it right? And you were so naive that you changed to a point where you don´t remember who YOU are,you only know what you do.
I wish everyday that they stop selling the dream , I wish they will stop messing with inocent people that have nowhere to turn to...God Damn...just do ur math:is it really worth it? Everyday day the percentage to pay is bigger. Ultimately people pay with their inner peace, body, and even their life. The choice is yours: are u in or your out?...I´m out.
Feeling strong , feeling weak, feeling it. Every little bit of your skin is tense, your brain is aware and awake.
You squint your eyes , there´s sweat drips all over your body tears streaming down your face ,you can´t tell which is which. Everything hurts, but its an exquisite pain,that pain feeds you...-"If it burns and hurts it means that it´s working"-that´s what you heard throughout your life,so you keep going ...going faster, giving it all you have and what you don´t have. Your feet start slowing down, I come at you, you duck and fall. Now you´re on the ground , it´s not your choice to stay there or get up. Your body and your mind have to become one in order for you to have the strength to do it. Your mind says: "Get up now!" your body says: "Stay down", who wins that battle? The mind! You see me, I look confident and cocky because you just fell...jab,cross! you get me in the face, you get your little stride back. My lip is bleeding I don´t like it, but I bite more into it so it hurts and my rage builds up. You can tell I´m about to come at you full force. Are you ready for me? You better be... Look in the Mirror, who´s there? Just me, just you...you is me,but who´s me? Me, the one that fights against herself everyday and every night, taking it to the next level . Remember when you thought you had a limit? You don´t... At least not anymore, not while I´m there to guide you...that me,is you.
Lay low lay next to me... speak low, speak to me... Let me touch you, while you touch me I'll let my hands read you body You let your voice read my soul You're made of glass I'm made of Air The rush on our bodies,makes us wish we could... If I could trade all the words for a kiss, Believe me, I would. But I won't...
She still remembers being on the same level as him, even if one of them took one or two steps further at once the other always found a way to catch up. They cherished and loved one another. She was a go getter, he was more of a philosopher. She taught him how to climb the stairs of life and when he was lazy she allowed him to take the elevator. He taught her how to be more positive and when she was lazy he allowed her to pretend. She knew he only took the elevator , he knew she only pretended. One day they didn't speak the same language. " Can you help me with this?" -he said. " O que?" -she answered. "Quelle langue parlez-vous?" he asked."Yo no te entiendo" she yelled. They screamed at each other for days not only because they didn't understand each other, but because they didn't understand themselves. One morning they woke up and their voices were gone, they made an effort and cleared their throats but not even one sound came out. He took the elevator down and left her , now she didn't have to pretend she was positive, she could just cry her heart out and be depressed ...instead she went up and down the stairs a thousand times until her heart was racing and it felt like it was gonna come out of her rib cage. She finally stopped , she put her right hand on the left side of her chest and felt her heart thumping like never before which meant she was still Alive. She never had to pretend again, being alive was positive enough.